Summer Sun
June 24, 2011

Hey everyone! We’re in the depths of summer now; well, summer officially just began but honestly it’s about halfway through for me. It hasn’t been quite what I expected, but at least I haven’t been doing much work, haven’t been too stressed out, and I’m really looking forward to the fall.

I’ll be heading up to Ohio around the 24th of July. My parents and I are driving up and then I’m meeting Matt there so we can look for our first car. I’ve got pictures of my apartment already – it’s huge! Two bedrooms, a living room, bathroom, kitchen, and a little hallway. I’m really looking forward to having my own space, being able to cook, and having candles in my apartment. Really, some of you will have to visit.

I’m also thrilled about…well, everything for next year. The department looks fantastic, my supervisor has been really nice and helpful all summer, OU has an amazing rec center and a hockey rink, and I can’t wait for my job training and classes to start. I think it’s going to be fantastic, and I’m excited to be doing something I’m really, really interested in.

Needless to say, ya’ll will be hearing a TON about it when I get there.

Until then, I’m enjoying home. Matt came to visit and we’re dropping down to San Antonio for a few days. I’m also doing some modeling the weekend after (squeeee!) and then probably trying to clean up the house and figure out what I want to take with me to Ohio. The summer is moving a lot faster than I expected and I haven’t gotten nearly as much done as I wanted….but such is life.

Faking It
July 16, 2010

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything while upset. Usually it turns out rather badly, and I end up reading a journal entry or an email the next day and wondering how I could have let myself write the damn thing. Unfortunately, I’ve realized this has to happen sometimes. Because I do get upset. And some things don’t get fixed right away, if at all. And sometimes it’s very lonely with no one to talk to.

I’ve posted the above postsecret card because it really sums up how I’m feeling lately. Why does it seem like everyone is so much better at this whole ‘life’ thing than I am? I know I should have enough self-esteem to say “hey, I’m doing just fine”, but some days it just all builds up until I really don’t know anymore. There are a few things that I really just starting to light my veins on fire:

1. I’m materialistic. Not just the kind of person who owns too much stuff, but i can’t convince myself to get rid of most of it. I attach way too much sentimental value to things. And I’ve tried sucking it up and throwing things away before, and it’s always ended in tears. The latest plan is to scrapbook as much of it as possible, but I’m still never caught up to the amount of photos, ticket stubs, and other little tidbits that I’ve kept. I also like to be prepared for anything, which means that in my room I have not only the supplies to participate in every single one of my hobbies (painting, sewing, drawing, singing, skating, reading, crafts, knitting, baking, video games to name a few) but I also have every item for every possible emergency or need ever. You know, bandaids, lotion, aloe vera, extra pens, computer cables, etc. I’m so sick of not being able to keep it organized and having people make snarky comments about how much I own in my dorm room.

2. I’m useless at relationship stuff. I thought I was doing well this time around, but honestly? No. We’re having the stupid fights, the angry nights, and I feel like I’m no better off than I was during any of the others. In fact, as a result of the last one I have a thousand new issues that I’m not dealing with so well either. I feel like I’m just completely broken, because other people are managing this whole thing just fine and I am just screwing it up at every chance I get.

It really doesn’t help that on top of all of this I’m stressed out, there’s something wrong with me to the point where my sleep is not at all restful (seeing the doctor in Aug. for that), I’m homesick, and my summer has flown by in the blink of an eye.

Gah. I just want to feel better.

I love summer!
June 13, 2010

It feels like I finally have time to do all of the things I’ve been longing for over the course of the year. I visit SF on a fortnightly basis, go swimming, exercise, take naps, volunteer, hang out with my fellow staff, and explore new places. I wish I could somehow manage my time so I could continue these things throughout the school year, but it just never seems to work out that way. There are far too many things I’m interested in.

Yesterday, I went down to the Berkeley animal shelter to get trained as a dog walker. It was so exciting to be there because it’s free adoption weekend! Maddie’s Fund gave Berkeley as well as 37 other shelters in the Bay Area $500 for each animal adopted, while waving the adoption fees for qualified owners. It’s always wonderful seeing pets who find themselves in the shelter going to wonderful homes where they will be loved, played with, and given a family. I’m really excited to be working at the shelter, even if it can be a bit sad sometimes, because I know I’m helping the dogs stay healthy and optimistic while they’re waiting for the home. Also because Berkeley had the lowest euthanasia rate of any shelter in California, and they never euthanize for space. I’m going to be paired with a mentor to do my first few walks, and then I can go in and volunteer anytime I want! It’s going to be awesome getting to be around animals again, and I’m hoping it will reduce my stress levels quite a bit.

Today I had an awesome time with my staff up at Clark Kerr for our yearly summer barbeque. We ate tasty burgers, competed at tennis, and played a ton of mafia. One of the RAs is super good at being the narrator, which made it a lot more fun than with any other group I’ve ever played with. NG brought her dog as well, so I had a blast running around and playing with him (thought I should remember next time that non-dog people get really worried when I do that).

All in all, a great summer so far. Class has been really enjoyable, I’m getting to do a lot of things on my wishlist, and the weather is absolutely gorgeous. I just need to work harder on figuring out what graduate schools I want to apply to, and studying the GRE.

How’s your summer treating you?