October 11, 2010

That title up there? Doesn’t describe me. I try. I really do. At least, I’d like to think I do.

I’d love my house, my apartment, my room to look this simple. This elegant. This…refined. But I can’t. I simply own too many things. And, as much as I keep telling myself to get rid of stuff, clean it all up, and transform my life into the clean and polished thing I aspire to, it just doesn’t fit who I am. I’m the girl who loves to be prepared for anything. Living in a dorm many miles away from home, it means I have everything I’ll ever need, right here. I have band-aids, paint, baking supplies, bubble wrap, extra sheets, lightbulbs, and three different kinds of tape. I’ve got receipts, medical records, instruction booklets, old school notes, textbooks. Hats, scarves, t-shirts, towels, shoes, ice skates, pajamas. I even have a few plants.

Because at one point or another, I need them for something. And I can’t just go home and get them. This is my home. I live here. Having what I need makes me comfy, even if it also drives me out of my mind sometimes.

Ikea can keep their elegant, simple rooms. I’ll keep my band-aids.

Faking It
July 16, 2010

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written anything while upset. Usually it turns out rather badly, and I end up reading a journal entry or an email the next day and wondering how I could have let myself write the damn thing. Unfortunately, I’ve realized this has to happen sometimes. Because I do get upset. And some things don’t get fixed right away, if at all. And sometimes it’s very lonely with no one to talk to.

I’ve posted the above postsecret card because it really sums up how I’m feeling lately. Why does it seem like everyone is so much better at this whole ‘life’ thing than I am? I know I should have enough self-esteem to say “hey, I’m doing just fine”, but some days it just all builds up until I really don’t know anymore. There are a few things that I really just starting to light my veins on fire:

1. I’m materialistic. Not just the kind of person who owns too much stuff, but i can’t convince myself to get rid of most of it. I attach way too much sentimental value to things. And I’ve tried sucking it up and throwing things away before, and it’s always ended in tears. The latest plan is to scrapbook as much of it as possible, but I’m still never caught up to the amount of photos, ticket stubs, and other little tidbits that I’ve kept. I also like to be prepared for anything, which means that in my room I have not only the supplies to participate in every single one of my hobbies (painting, sewing, drawing, singing, skating, reading, crafts, knitting, baking, video games to name a few) but I also have every item for every possible emergency or need ever. You know, bandaids, lotion, aloe vera, extra pens, computer cables, etc. I’m so sick of not being able to keep it organized and having people make snarky comments about how much I own in my dorm room.

2. I’m useless at relationship stuff. I thought I was doing well this time around, but honestly? No. We’re having the stupid fights, the angry nights, and I feel like I’m no better off than I was during any of the others. In fact, as a result of the last one I have a thousand new issues that I’m not dealing with so well either. I feel like I’m just completely broken, because other people are managing this whole thing just fine and I am just screwing it up at every chance I get.

It really doesn’t help that on top of all of this I’m stressed out, there’s something wrong with me to the point where my sleep is not at all restful (seeing the doctor in Aug. for that), I’m homesick, and my summer has flown by in the blink of an eye.

Gah. I just want to feel better.