Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Candor and Tattooing
March 21, 2015

I’ve been thinking for a while about getting a tattoo. Something small but visible to me, and that has significant meaning in my life. I’ve started drawing it on my wrist again like I did in high school, using this as a test of whether it has become a part of me yet.

Last night I saw Insurgent, and as I was standing in the shower washing away my current “test”, I had a thought. I looked at my clean wrist and wondered whether I would rather travel through life as I am, unmarked. But none of us are truly unmarked. We carry physical scars, pockmarks and slices of wounds now past. Even deeper, we carry marks from every experience we’ve ever had. Every happy memory, every fight, every night alone crying. Why should I be afraid to pull those from the depths to something I can actually see and hold onto?

It was in the midst of this process that I realized, in the world of Divergent, I don’t think Dauntless would be the only faction to practice the art of tattooing. I could see it being heavily utilized in Candor, where individuals value honesty and showing one’s true self. What better way to do that than to pull your deepest marks from within and proudly show them for the world to see?

I believe Candor would appreciate the raw truth that comes through the process.

What do you think?

NaCreSoMo Day 3 
March 11, 2015

There is something about being 25 that I can’t explain. One moment it’s a celebration, a realization that you’ve truly entered adulthood and are on your way to success. 5 years until kids, no problem. Two feet secure on the ground. 

Two months later, shattered and weeping in a queen bed once too small for two, now an ocean for one. You stack books and clothes and blankets on the other side, unconsciously creating an illusion of companionship in the dark. When you roll over, the sharp pain from a bound corner reminds you that the warm body of company is sleeping soundly in the room next door. 

You busy yourself and find that it’s easy until returning home to find him cooking in the kitchen. You reach out to hold him, busy at the stove, before remembering that touch is poisonous. You separate what was once shared, find names in sharpie written on items from when one was two. 

You cry. You find ways to cope that aren’t really coping but are the best you have. You realize that some bad habits truly die hard and that somewhere inside is that lonely little girl from high school who was suicidal but too afraid of death to try. You stare into the lights of the city and wonder whether 25 is really any closer to God than 15. 

You think of all the things you wish he would say. Everything you want to hear that you never will, just like last time. Apologies that will never come, reminders that this happened before and six years later there is still a hole that will never be fully repaired. Still a box in the attic with pictures and books and notes you know you should throw out but somehow still hold a piece of you locked away. Worry that it will happen again, that there is a slice of this still beating heart that will never return from this experiment in love. 

Resign yourself to trying because that is all that is ever left. Hope that somewhere out there, a perfect shoe sits on a shelf and you’ll be lucky enough to find it. That maybe this time it won’t take another 6 years, another broken heart, another box in the attic, another unspoken apology to find it. 

25 is no longer a gift, but a warning. A fear of choices, a fear of time running out. Love or love of career, travel or staying put, single motherhood or letting precious time slip through your fingers. 25 is a curse. It is blessed darkness. And then you realize that 25 is just a repeat of 15, Amanorenya. 

NaCreSoMo Day 2: Why do I have two pages?
March 11, 2015

https://womanlostandfound.wordpress.com/2014/09/27/tha-mo-ghaol-air-aird-a-chuain-by-julie-fowlis-kris-drever-iain-macdonald/

I made a separate blog once for things that were less personal, and now I don’t know what to do with the fact I have to.

Today I’d like to share this little project that’s in the works. I’m putting together links of the scots gaelic in this song so I can hopefully learn to pronounce it better.

I’d also love some feedback on what I should do about my two blogs.

NaCreSoMo Day 1
March 9, 2015

Sailor Jupiter Sketch
March 17, 2014

Yesterday I worked on another sketch, using my artbooks as a reference. I spent considerably more time on this than the last one, and I actually want to try and finish and colour it sometime.

Image

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NaCreSoMo Day 2
March 5, 2014

For NaCreSoMo Day 2, I’ve recorded a cover of Vienna Teng’s “Blue Caravan”. I love this song, and it’s one of the few I can accompany myself on guitar without making too many mistakes.

Day 5: Suteki Da Ne
March 31, 2013

Today’s finished product is my cover of Suteki Da Ne, set to its corresponding Final Fantasy X cutscene. The full song is on my soundcloud, but I wanted to cut it down to match the scene from the game.

January 2nd
January 1, 2012

Happy Birthday to me,

Happy Birthday to me…..

Blast from the Past
December 13, 2011

I’m currently on winter break, and there’s so much to catch you all up on! This evening, however, I’ve been looking through old notebooks of mine and typing up any of my writing that I want to keep. In doing so, I found a hilarious journal entry that I thought I’d share with everyone.

The prompt was, “George and Lennie (from Of Mice and Men) have a dream. What is your dream? How will you accomplish it?”

“My dream is to become a computer programmer. I’d like to work for a large company like Dell or IBM, and earn a pretty good salary. I plan on living in a city, somewhee (maybe NYC) with my best friend. My dream encompasses all of this; owning or at least renting an apartment of my own, being able to drive a nice car, and having enough money to eat every night. I want to stick with my best friend, maybe get married someday, and perhaps adopt a kid when everything settles down. At retirement, I’d like to become a Humanities teacher.

To achieve this goal, I plan on keeping good grades, graduating high in my class, and going to a good college. I’ll take a lot of computer courses, but also keep up with my math, science, english, and foreign language. I’ll try and get along without forefeiting my extracurricular classes like choir and anime club.

Most of all, I would like to keep playing hockey. I’d also like to improve my writing, and perhaps publish a fantasy novel. My dream is many things, and I’d like to keep them all.”

I think it’s so funny how our dreams change while still keeping our base values intact. The specifics of what I wanted out of a career have changed throughout my years; once I wanted to be an artist, then a singer, then an interior designer, then a computer programmer, then a chemist, then a teacher, and now a Student Affairs practitioner (and maybe a teacher later). I’m becoming more comfortable with the idea of having my own children rather than adopting, and I’ve realized that I can’t always be close in distance to my best friend. But a lot of the core ideas are still true, like wanting to get married and start a family, making enough money to have a place to live and food on the table, to continue doing what I love in my free time, and to one day publish writing of my own.

The specifics may have changed, but I’m still working hard to meet my goals. I hope that I do.

Week 5 – The Halfway Point
October 3, 2011

Well, tomorrow begins week 5 of the quarter and, shockingly, the halfway point! I can’t believe how much time has already passed; I certainly miss semesters, if only because I’m used to the pace. Every day I’m feeling more like an adult. I haven’t decided if I like or hate this particular feeling, but it certainly is different.

Work – My RD job continues to be fulfilling. Despite some frustrations and a few setbacks, the quarter is progressing moderately well in our building. I’m still trying hard to teach my staff to be intentional with the time they spend with their residents, but I’ve had to add in a new expectation of sorts each week. Our first few weeks went by without barely any organized activities whatsoever. Hopefully we can keep building them in and give our residents an opportunity to do something other than go uptown on the weekends. I’m also planning to host a few activities myself to help offer more to our students. Hall Council is struggling, but we have our third meeting tonight and I think I’ve developed a better role as an advisor. The first week I ran the meeting and the second I turned everything over to our President and VP, forgetting that not everyone at OU has run an organization before. Now I’m planning to step in and help a bit more than I originally expected. They need some time to get on their feet and see how to facilitate conversations from some role models as they try and do so on their own.

My time on the paraprofessional recruitment team has been fabulous so far. We’re developing our advertising campaign as well as our timeline for the RA application process. What I’m most excited about though is our potential to completely revamp the interview structure here at OU. In the past staff has been evaluated on interview skills and professionalism that I believe we’re going to radically change this year. I’m really appreciating everyone’s input and their willingness to listen to my experiences from Cal and see that this can be a very positive change in the process. I can’t even imagine how amazing it will be as we continue working with the team throughout the year.

School – Two of my classes are absolutely fantastic this quarter – Intro to Student Affairs and Intro to Student Development. I feel like I’m really engaging with my peers and with our professors, and the two papers that I’ve written so far have been interesting and fun to work on. This week I’m doing a practitioner interview with one of the RCs to learn how he incorporates theory into practice, as well as working on a group presentation on Women’s Centers at universities across the country. Unfortunately the lecture portion of my Counseling Techniques class hasn’t been quite as fulfilling…we gave our professor feedback last week and now we feel she’s headed down the passive-aggressive path. Luckily the lab section, where we videotape ourselves counseling a partner, has been rather useful in honing some of my skills. As long as I can trudge painfully through our lecture and get a decent grade, I think I’ll be content.

The Cohort – I’ve had an interesting time figuring out how I feel about our first year cohort. It seems that we’re already separating into cliques (not terribly surprising since we have 29 people now). Unfortunately, I’m not feeling too much like I fit in anywhere. We have a large portion of our cohort who is the drinking-a-lot-at-bars and party type, and that’s just not me. Sometimes I feel that they’re generally immature in disrupting class and such and other times, I think we just have very different personalities. The quieter, low-key folks in the cohort have very different schedules from me, so we haven’t had an opportunity to spend much time with each other yet. On the other hand, I attended some events with my partner’s cohort at OSU and I really enjoyed their company. I think it was a combination of having more to do, a more diverse group, and feeling like I was actually included in their activities. It was nice to have people listen to what I have to say; I felt like my stories were valued in the group, something I haven’t felt as much here.

I’m trying to stay positive and remember that I’m growing quite close with folks in the housing department, and that I can focus on school and work if I choose to. I don’t particularly want to fret over missed connections to folks I don’t particularly feel a strong affinity towards anyway. We’ll see how the rest of the year goes, but I’m going to try hard not to let it get to me.

Personal Stuff – Overall, I’ve mostly been trying to handle living with my partner. It’s complicated living with another person and honestly, I’m pretty exhausted from it. We have to agree on when to get groceries, who’s going out when, where the car is, and what we’re eating for dinner. Sometimes I’d rather just be on my own and deal with my own schedule only. Luckily for both of us, M is moving out in the next week or two. He’ll be much, much closer to school and I will have some breathing room to myself. There’s another load of stress about buying out his half of the car, but we’ll get it sorted out.

Speaking of the car, it essentially died on me yesterday. We were on the highway in Columbus and all of the electrical systems shut down – I had no windshield wipers, defroster, signals, lights, anything. Luckily we found a neighborhood auto shop to pull into and then as soon as I put the car in park it crapped out. We ended up having to pay for a new alternator to be put in, but everything seems okay now.

Overall – I’ve been feeling much better (despite getting a cold) about my work-class-life balance this last week or so. I’m also realizing that OU probably wasn’t the best choice of school for me. It’s nice not to be as stressed out about class, but I think I should have paid more attention to the camaraderie I felt with the folks I met at IU. It’s hard not having the support group here that I wanted, but I can remember that I’ll only be here two years anyway. It’ll be a nice experience, I’ll get to leave my mark, and I can move on to a bigger city where I think I’ll feel more comfortable. I’m thinking Boston, perhaps. And maybe, like Berkeley, I’ll find my love for Athens in my second year. It just might be that I need all of that time to settle in.

I’ll be sure to write more and give you all updates and thoughts as they come along! I’ve started jotting ideas down in my notebook so I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say. Catch you next time!